


The Five Times Q was Sherlock's Minion and the One Time He was John's

by AnAngryRat



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), Sherlock - Fandom, Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: 5+1 Things, Action/Adventure, Babies, Fluff, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 20:44:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4536708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnAngryRat/pseuds/AnAngryRat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Q gets a job babysitting for John and Mary's new baby. Ready for the a quiet break from the chaos of the online world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Five Times Q was Sherlock's Minion and the One Time He was John's

Q waited in distaste as his employer's friend scrutinized him from all angles. The man got on his nerves constantly poking and prodding him with his arrogance. To be honest the job was way below what he was qualified for but he was bored. Being a babysitter seemed delightful compared to dull hours in front of the computer planning out his next heist. It was also preferable to working at his partner's company. Dull place absolutely dreadful.

"Where exactly did you say you went to school," the man asked. For the third time in a row. Q sighed, glanced at his future employer who shrugged at him and continued playing with the rambunctious ten month old that might possibly be the most adorable child Q had ever seen.

"The true fact is Mr. Holmes, is that you are not interested in my upbringing but more interested in whether or not I know hand to hand combat and am not connected to Moriarty. I can assure you that I have basic combat skills, can't handle a gun for shit and am too rich to be paid off by whoever you deem might want me to switch their loyalties. Now may I please speak with the Watson's while you find yourself some heroin to fill your time."

The room went customarily silent and the tall blond man quickly took off his wig and wiped off his makeup and false nose and gave Q a slightly less skeptical look.

"Hacker," he muttered.

"Addict," Q returned.

"Hacker?" Watson questioned from his corner. His wife snickered.

"Only we would end up with an untraceable criminal trying to be our sitter," she said fondly.

Q remained blank. He was either going to get the job or continue disrupting James’s work and he really didn't appreciate that.

"I like him. No matter how bad his eyesight is," Sherlock said leaving the room to the kitchen perhaps to dissect something. The Watson's shared a look and Mary nodded her head towards him. John got up and handed the baby to him. Q automatically placed the child on his hip and made a cooing noise making him laugh hysterically and Q grin in response.

"I have to be quite honest, I've babysat a lot of children but you have probably the most adorable child I've ever seen," Q said grinning and bumping noses with the kid.

He didn't see Mary get up and thus startled when he got a pat on the back and a genuine smile.

"Guess you’re hired then."

And that was how Q became Max Watson's babysitter.

*

The first time Q was asked to do something out of the normal parameters of his job it only had been a month. He got a call from Sherlock which wasn't unusual. It was always Sherlock that called to make sure he wasn't doing anything illegal, well nothing traceably illegal, he had to check on Bond from time to time when he was out of the country.

"Q," he said promptly answering and trashing the baby’s diaper and tickling his belly smiling gently at the honest delight on the child's face. The kid was a little shit but moments like these made him not regret taking the job.

"I need you to give me green lights all the way back home," was Sherlock's greeting.

"Done," Q answered hanging up. He was kind of bored if he was honest. He placed the baby in his little toy pen and picked up his personally altered laptop and started running some programs he already had programmed himself. He quickly hacked into CCTV and then ran facial recognition and into citywide the program that controlled traffic lights and he was done in five minutes. He sent a quick text. _You're welcome._

*

Sherlock was not impressed.

*

"You're bored aren't you?"

"No darling I have a hobby," Q said smiling his phone placed between his ear and shoulder laptop propped on his lap. There was a gurgle from the baby monitor and Q quickly checked the camera. Still asleep. Good. He had a raid starting in twenty minutes and his mage was essential to the guilds success.

"For some reason I feel like you’re lying," James said a slow droll to his voice. Before he could answer a quick beep told him that he had an incoming call.

"I have to go, my hobby's life partner's calling me," Q said hanging up.

"There may or may not be a group of thugs headed towards the house, don't tell John," Sherlock said the wince on the end of his sentence obvious even through the phone.

"Wouldn't dream of it, sir," Q responded and hung up. He quickly apologized to his guild and closed his computer moving towards the kitchen.

The Mary didn't hide her C-4 as well as she thought she did. Q spent a small amount of time building a quick bomb out of a toaster and a quarter of a pound of C-4 before finding a small bat in the master bedroom and sitting back in his chair and turning on all the camera's on the exterior of the house. It took fourteen minutes and twenty five seconds for all five of the "thugs" showed themselves. Sherlock is a man of understatement.

Q grabbed the bat and a smoke bomb he made out of boredom while waiting. He quickly set off the smoke bombs gathering all five intruders decked in military grade padding with assault rifles. He made quick work of them with the bat aiming for legs and heads not really caring if he killed them or not. They were honestly too stupid to be in this business if they fell for such an obvious trap.

Q cleaned off his glasses as the smoke dissipated; a little too much blood for his liking. There was a loud wail from inside the house pulling Q from his thoughts. He took off his cardigan and quickly ran towards the baby giving Max his biggest smile.

Max hit him in return. Q winced and picked him up shushing him. Max's eyes fluttered shut after about ten seconds of coddling before snapping open at the sound of Q's phone vibrating. He clicked it on and snapped, "What?"

"Is that a baby crying," Bond asked.

"Yes," Q said hanging up. He wasn't in the mood; he quickly got another call from John this time.

"Q," he greeted bouncing Max.

"Hello, um... has there been any trouble? Any at all?"

Q looked through the blinds at the now four men on the ground. Fuck.

"Everything is fine."

 He put Max in the crib letting him cry louder and picked up his bat from the floor.

"Max has been a little stubborn about bed if you couldn't hear," he said adding a little smile to his voice and setting his back against the wall waiting for the fifth man to come.

"He is a stubborn little bugger, gets it from his mum," John said with a little laugh. The man walked in and Q swung himself out in front of the crib blocking both Max and the intruder from each other and slammed the bat into the intruder’s skull.

Q chuckled at a joke that he didn’t hear and the man bled out on the floor.

"We'll be back in an hour, Mary decided she wanted to get some late night ice cream," John said. Sherlock must have told her something.

"Alright, bye."

He turned towards the baby and picked him up calming him quickly before placing him in the crib and sitting down for just a minute before he had to start clean up. Decent night overall.

*

He got a stuff hippo with a small heart that said "Thank you" on his doorstep three days later. Q chuckled then hacked Sherlock's phone and spammed it with texts.

*

His phone rang sharply at four am in the middle of the night on one of the rare nights he was actually asleep.

"What's that, love?" Bond mumbled in his sleepily.

"My hobby," Q grumbled fumbling for his phone.

"Q," he yawned into the receiver.

"I need you to neutralize someone's internet," Sherlock said archaically. The man called him for work almost more than John does.

"Yes, very well," Q said hanging up. He grabbed his glasses and rolled unwillingly out of bed ignoring James’s protest. The man had the rest of the week off and Q wasn't scheduled to babysit until Thursday. They had time.

Q sat and booted up his computer blinking sleepily. He hacked into John's computer and absently scrolled through recent history. He googled a lot of articles on how to raise children. Q saved the information for later before he found the obscure article and blog post that would give him the answer he needed.

The Orb. Those fuckers rejected him five years ago. He smiled maliciously. Taking down their servers would be absolutely therapeutic.

*

Sherlock handed him tea the next time he came to watch Max at 221 B rather than the nice little house in the burbs. Q was not impressed.

*

Bond was on his knees when he got his next emergency call. Q smiled apologetically pulling out his phone.

"Q."

Bond licked a stripe up his stomach. Q lightly smacked him outside his head.

"Could you please pick up a package at the small ramen shop called _Imotep_ ," Sherlock asked. Bond chuckled and nuzzled him.

"Only if you get me genuine vanilla lavender tea from wherever you are in Japan."

"It really unsettles me when you say things like that," Sherlock said before hanging up. Q's eye twitched. Pot meet kettle. Bond pushed to his feet with a lengthy sigh.

"Something tells me you have to leave for that hobby of yours," Bond said wryly. Q tilted his head in acknowledgement while zipping up his pants. He grabbed his jacket from the hanger since they hadn't even made it past the front door.

"Sorry, love, promise I'll make it up to you," Q said kissing his cheek and leaving through the door.

It took forty minutes to fins the hole in a wall restaurant and picked up a bloody bleeding box of chicken heads. Q's knuckles tightened on the box and he drove to drop off the box at 221 B.

*

Q sent Mycroft an alarming amount of emails from Sherlock.

Sherlock disappeared for three days as Mycroft locked him up and questioned him.

*

Q played peek a boo with Max grinning every time he squealed. Max loved the game they could play it for approximately an hour before he tired of it and Q had to set up a blanket for his toys.

His phone rang and Q answered picking up Max and tickling him.

"Q."

"There's an assassin outside your upper window, you have approximately thirty seconds,” Sherlock said.

"Done."

Q hopped over the back of the couch grabbed a card board box that was near and placed Max in it covering the top with a blanket. Max giggled. A shot rang out inches behind his head. Q crawled across the floor out of sight of the window and into the kitchen. Thank god it was Sherlock's flat and not John's or this would have been exceedingly difficult.

He reached under the kitchen sink to find a large collection of illegal chemicals. Perfect. Four more shots fired slowly getting closer to Max who was squawking delighted by the noise. Q pulled him close and pushed him towards the back counter completely covered by the cabinets and moderately safe.

There was a fifth shot a little too close to Q's leg for his liking. He quickly finished gathering chemicals and made a flash bomb of smoke and grabbed the box full of baby and sprinted out of the apartment.

"Are you out safely," Sherlock buzzed startling Q.

"Yes," he answered curtly, "let me call an acquaintance of mine he'll take care of the man."

"No, I'm already there."

The call cut off and Q opened the door to air out the apartment walking down to Mrs. Hudson with the baby. He's sure she'll love the company.

*

James’s was dozing sprawled out over the couch and Q was typing away as his guild raided another cavern. His phone blinked. John had texted one word: Come

Q sighed logged out of his game and opened a tab and searched for John and found nothing. Oh. How fascinating. He got up slipped on his shoes and walked silently out of the flat. He wasn't fooled by Bond's soft snores. In fact he was fairly certain that Bond was using it as an excuse to find out his 'hobby', Q had been meticulous about keeping it away from him just for seeing his increasing frustration. This time though he'll let Bond follow him. He might actually need his help, for once.

John's house was actually empty and silent. Q searched until he found Maxie sleeping away in his crib. Q picked him up and gently placed him in a car seat and picked it up. A flash of red.

Maxie was against his chest and they were behind the counter before the first shot was fired only a heartbeat later. Q grabbed the C-4 toaster he taped to the underside of the sink and the spare flash bomb disguised as a can of baking soda next to the spare sponges. He took out his spare cellphone and attached a small timer to it before sliding it into the middle of the snipers range of sight. The sniper fired setting off the smoke.

1... Q ran towards the door grabbing a knife on his way 10... There was a man with a gun there that Q grabbed sliding him by and into the house 20... Q stabbed the man standing to the side of the door in the leg and snapped his elbow at his temple 25... Q made it to the car stuffing Maxie under the seat belt and into the back 40...Q pulled into the front seat and stuffed a screw driver into the key hole and turned starting the car 50... The house blew up and Q was on his way to Mrs. Hudson.

He pulled up to 221 B and knocked politely on the door. Mrs. Hudson answered with a brilliant smile and a wink. Q returned the smile to the old minx. She invited him in and he handed her Maxie who had started fussing because he was hungry and asked to use her computer.

"I don't have one," she said sincerely never looking away from the baby. Q blinked.

 "I'll be upstairs. My boyfriend will be coming over to join us in a bit can you give him some of your best biscuits he'll be in a grumpy mood after being woken up earlier this morning for work," Q called over his shoulders already running up the stairs. 

He stood off to the side and opened the door. A bullet pierced the door. Excellent. Q pulled off his jacket and tossed it up and rolled under it and into the kitchen. John's laptop was right next to the window. Even better. He took out his phone. Another bang as a bullet ate through the flooring near him causing a piece of wood to splinter into his leg. He hissed and pulled out the shrapnel. Fuck.

"What," Bond asked through gritted teeth. 

"Is Alec anywhere near Baker Street," Q asked crawling to his apparently emergency kit for his bat shit crazy employers. Why were there so many snipers and assassins? Why? His ear was ringing and now there was a hole next to his head. He tucked himself into the cupboard with his nice array of chemicals.

"I've got him," James said.

"Oh, thank god," Q sighed. 

"MI5 showed up shortly to clean up your mess," James said as another bullet rang through the flat.

"Fascinating," Q grumbled. There were several grunts from Bond's side of the call.

"Is this when you're going to tell me you have a wife and a son and just shag me on the side," Bond grunted.

Q rolled his eyes.

"I'm a babysitter; he's the kid I watch."

A sickening gurgle and a sharp crack later.

"Why the fuck would the people you're babysitting for have so many terrible mercenaries after them?"

 "Can I grab the computer?"

"Answer the question."

Q groaned. 

"You'll have to have Sherlock lecture you on it. I don't understand what a consulting detective is if all he does is go out and piss off the world’s biggest criminals." 

"Go get your computer." 

"Thanks, love," Q said sincerely. He hung up and crawled out from under the cupboard. 

The computer was miraculously untouched. 

He quickly started going through files scanning through recent data running a quick facial recognition search for John and Sherlock even Mary. He didn't turn when Bond came up behind to watch as he ran through codes and data trying to put together the pieces of a puzzle.

"Thanks for telling the landlady to give me cookies," Bond said. Q nodded. Something had to be...No. That's so fucking stupid. Q took a deep breath and pushed back his hair from his face. 

"Do you have the sniper's rifle," Q asked rubbing his eyes under his glasses. 

"Yes, what do you need me to do," Bond asked standing straighter.

"Let me have it. Stay here with the kid," Q made eye contact when he said that and Bond nodded getting his drift.  _Keep them safe._  "I have somewhere to be that I'll nearly be late for."

Q then rushed down the stairs Bond on his heels handing him the gun that he slung over his shoulder.

"Bye, Mrs. Hudson," he mumbled making his way towards the door not even listening to her reply.

Bond grabbed on his way out gave a quick peck on the lips then pushed him towards the car. Q started driving towards the world’s shittiest ramen shop.

*

Q was set up on the roof across the street with a perfect view of what was happening in the back of the restaurant. After taking out the sniper from the yakuza that was there before, he was getting a little bored waiting for the immediate threat of death that was eventually going to happen after all the talking and explanation. Boring. Ah! The Japanese man with raven tattoo raised his gun at Sherlock. Finally. Mary was knocked out in a corner and John had been at gun point for the last five minutes. Q shot and got the man in the left pectoral and also dislocated his arm from the recoil. Shortly after there were two other shots.

His phone rang in the middle of him letting out a string of curses. Fuck guns. He’s going to use bats and computers for the rest of his life. He dug out his phone and hit answer gritting his teeth and blinking back tears.

“What kind of aim is that?” John asked. Q bit his tongue.

“Sir, I’m not qualified to shoot a gun. You’re lucky I even hit him. I also need to go to the hospital,” Q said sniffing a wiping away a tear. Fuck. _Ow!_

“Oh right.” Q could hear Sherlock in the distance saying ‘I told you so’. Arse.

“Think you could get down here so we can take you to the hospital, lad?”

Good god what was wrong with these people. He was twenty nine. That at least deserves some sort of step up from lad. Whatever he was in pain and kind of mad.

“Yeah, let me call my boyfriend and tell him it’s safe,” Q said hanging up and sitting up grabbing the rifle and slinging it over his good arm and hitting his speed dial.

“All, clear,” Q said when Bond picked up his voice shaking embarrassingly.

“Are you okay,” there was a shifting noise like he was standing up.

“Yeh, got a dislocated shoulder. It…surprised me.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeh. See you in a couple of hours. Please have food.”

Bond chuckled. “Alright then.”

*

Sherlock looked at Q assessing. Q ignored him.

“You’ll shoot a man for John but all I get is a couple of deliveries and emails,” he whined. Bond and John looked up from their respective plates and narrowed their eyes at Sherlock. Q shared a smirk with Mary who was lying on the couch little Maxie asleep on her chest.

“What deliveries, Sherlock?” John asked darkly.

“Just a couple of chicken heads, an email sent to a Japanese hacker association and a line of green lights for a get away,” Sherlock said waving his hand bored. Q rolled his eyes.

“The five yakuza breaking into John’s house, the one sniper at flat, you know the usual assassin’s,” Q said just as nonchalantly. John took in a deep breath his eyes widening.

“No,” he said.

“Max, is quite the trooper,” Q pointed out to Sherlock who was desperately ignoring.

What pleased Q the most was that Bond punched Sherlock before picking up Q gingerly mindful of his arm and walking away. Not even John’s indignation at the mere idea that Sherlock had put his child in danger multiple times could compete with that.

Q returned to babysitting a few weeks later when his arm was better. (Sherlock had called a few days after he had dislocated it.)

**Author's Note:**

> Lots of babies in danger. If that bothers you.


End file.
